I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
