What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
