i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
