I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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