No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
