I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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