you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have feelings that need drinking.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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