Apparently you make a good broom.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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