My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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