Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
