when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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