Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
