I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
