I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
sarcasm needs its own font
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
he just fucked me for my cheese..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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