I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
