Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
