I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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