he wants to bone in the snuggie
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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