Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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