well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
