I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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