My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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