I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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