The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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