you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
