First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
