I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
