He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
