my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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