You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
