So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
