Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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