Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
