Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
