I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
