drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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