great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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