I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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