I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
