I wish I could punch you in the face.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
