chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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