I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
