who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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