drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
