I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
