She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
