I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
