Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
