Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
