i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
