Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
