I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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